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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Forgivness Set Me Free

This post is a story that i wrote to a page on Facebook called “I Am Hmong Beauty”, and the mission of this facebook page is to help encourage and empower Hmong women. As you can tell by the title, I am going to write about how my life was once filled with darkness and hatred but forgiveness set me free.
About 14 years ago, my granny’s “boyfriend” began living with my family. I’m not sure about what really happened but it almost seemed like one day I was happy being with my granny, fill asleep, and woke up the next day with a stranger cleaning the house. This stranger was “friendly” and “nice”. He liked to clean up around the house, and better yet, my grandma was happy. I wonder what really happened. I was only 5 when I he took away my life.

My childhood life was actually a case of child molestation by this “stranger”. Who would have thought that behind the smile there was a monster who enjoyed ruining people’s life. From when I was a kindergarten until a 4th grader, I had to live in fear of this monster. I would never see things the same anymore, and I was force to grow up so much faster than my peers. Honestly, I don’t have a childhood.

This creep would take me to his room, lock the doors, and put on a pornographic video. He then puts me on his lap and and molest me. When it was over, he smiles and tells me not to tell anyone. He gives me candy and acts as though nothing happened. I was so young and so naive. I was so stupid that I did not let anyone know. Years went on and he was still the same, but I began to lose myself. I was deteriorating on the inside. I was scared to let anyone know because of what they might say to me and what he would do to my family. We moved away from my granny because the house was getting crowed but I was always afraid of visiting them. I LOVE my granny with all of my heart. She was my best friend growing up because she took care of me, but it was very sad to know that I couldn’t even visit my grandma with out wondering if he was going to hurt me again.

Long story short, I told my auntie about what happened to me and she reported to the police. They came after the creep but he found out about it and fled out of state with the help of his sons. One day at school, 4th grade, I was called up to the office where two detective questioned me. The guy detective took notes and the lady detective drew a picture of a person and asked me to point out the places that the creep touched me. It was exactly like one of them scenes from Law&Order SVU, and after that they sent me back to class like normal. A couple of weeks later I had mails coming from the court telling me that we have a chance to take the bastard to jail. Too bad we never found the guy, and after awhile my parents never followed up with the case and it sort of got push under the rug.

This was a bitter sweet moment for me. It felt good to know that he was not around anymore and he wouldn’t be able to hurt me , but then the fact that he was still out there and I could not do anything to catch him either cut me like a knife. I hated what he did to me, so I was not re-leaved when I found out that he was living with another family. From what I know, he might just be hurting young girls like me too.
I hated him and I resented him. Even after he was gone, my heart still carried a burden of hatred and bitterness, but I found peace through Jesus Christ. Maybe it was partially my psyche that help me forget the events, but even then I still hated him when I thought about everything that the did to me. About a couple years back, I found Jesus Christ and he opened my heart to love and compassion. I forgave the old geezer that day when I found Jesus because I know that resenting him will not make me any better than him. I learned how to forget and forgive through the love and compassion that I got from God.

Through all of my hardships, I saw all of my events like this just as Jesus Christ, who knew no sin, can forgive and die in place of those who hated him… I can do the same. As shameless as that creep is and all of the thing he did to me, I was stronger than that. Overcoming the obstacles, of my childhood, shaped who I am today a strong and beautiful woman in love with Jesus Christ. So, just as my title stated forgiveness set me free. It set me free from my all of the evil and negative feeling that was built up inside of me. It set me free from my self hatred and self accusation. It set me free from the devil, and it set me free from chains of bitterness and depression. I lost my life that day when that man violated me, but I received a life far better than the one I lost because forgiveness gave me life again.

Alrighty guys! This isn’t what I wanted for my first post, but since I was writing it for another purpose I might as well post it up too. This is a little snippet of my life and the struggles I went through, and after you read this, maybe you will have a different impression of me. I hope it is in a good way though. :D I also hope that my story helps inspire and empower you in your life too. We are beautiful people who deserves to love and be loved, so we shouldn’t hate our-self or anyone else even if they hurt us in the worst possible way. I hope hearing my story can help you forget your bad memories and forgive the perpetrator who hurt you.

Much Love,

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